'Only Biscuits' by Linda Virgo
Back in my day, that word, dyslexia, wasn’t even known or spoken about. That old saying that you’re never too old to learn – well, my goodness they were right, but sometimes I felt very lonely and frustrated over those years as I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t read. It hasn’t been easy, and I always wished that dyslexia would just go away. Now I can laugh at it all as I can finally read, but it has been quite a journey. I want to share my story because I want people to know that there is help – you just need to be brave enough to reach out! I am the proof!
I found going out particularly frightening. I think I was so afraid of people. The family dog helped because she would get me out. I was scared to strike up a conversation in case I said something wrong. Every time someone knocked on the door – like a salesman – I would just stand there and buy something. If I didn’t, would he think I was stupid? Sometimes I would buy rubbish, but nothing new there😊.
I felt sorry for my children. I was good with money so that was no problem, but what about all the things I couldn’t read? One day, I went shopping with my son and he asked to join a swimming club. “Do we need a form?” I asked. “Well, I don’t know, mum, you should know this?” I felt guilty – I should know. I also fostered and although I think they must have had a hell of a time of it they have told me that the house was full of love, warmth, affection and support – which is all that matters – and I definitely tried to always give plenty of love! So, perhaps I didn’t do such a bad job after all.
One day, I wandered down to the shops to get some bread as I knew what bread looked like! An old lady stops me and asks me to get her some shopping and hands me a list. I just stood there and then said, “I’m so sorry but I haven’t got the time.” I felt so embarrassed. I wish I could help her! I thought to myself – don’t be a coward and go and see her. So, I did. She was very kind and offered me a cup of tea. I started to explain, “I’m sorry I couldn’t get your shopping, but you were going to give me a list and I couldn’t read it.” “Oh love, don’t worry about that,” she replied. “Is there anything else I can do for you that doesn’t involve reading?” The old lady giggled “No, but I do like your company so sit down and let’s have a chat over a cup of tea.” “If I show you what I want, can you get it for me?” She encouraged me to remember the name and how the letters looked. I went to the shop and there in front of me was the packet! Hurray for that – I won’t have to ask anyone. I was pleased as punch. The cashier said, “Only biscuits?” It was not only biscuits for me – it was such a big moment. I will never forget that pack of chocolate biscuits!
You can’t believe how many words there are in our everyday activities. Words are everywhere and when I was cleaning up the house I used to look at the tin of polish and think “I really hope this is polish!”
I have always been shy and didn’t like going out as I have always been embarrassed especially going out to have meals as I couldn’t read the menu. I used to make excuses like I had lost my glasses. When things landed through the letterbox, I used to cringe, and I would wish that I could read!
This one day, I asked my dearest friend if she could help me to read. “No, not really,” she replied, “I think you need proper help.” “No one can help me.” I laughed, “I don’t think I’m going to get anywhere. I’ve been trying all these years!” I used to write by copying books, but I had no idea what it said!
One day, we went uptown and stood outside Wallace House looking at a poster in the window. “There’s someone who can help,” she said. Here we go, I thought, they will laugh at me! I will be too embarrassed. I was terrified, and I really didn’t want to go at all. We went in together and it was closed…phew! I had got away with it 😊. On the way home, she said – “we are going again!” “I can’t, I just can’t – I will make a fool of myself.” “Just go and try,” she replied. I mustn’t let her down and so I went in. My heart was pounding! I didn’t know what to say or do. The lady was so nice. She asked me my name and then asked me to write something. I had been practising my name, so I was feeling confident. I stated that I had trouble reading and wanted to send my children birthday cards.
The next Monday, I started at the Access Centre. I walked there and then turned back and then suddenly something came over me and I knew that I wanted to read – even if it was just a little bit – just one word or one sentence. I must go in. Everyone was so lovely, kind and friendly. They wanted to help. I explained, and I felt brilliant. For the first time in my life, I was doing something I really wanted to do! I had to do this – and they made me feel – well, I’m struggling to find the words – that I could do this!
I like chatting away now – perhaps because I was so frightened to speak before. I was silenced. At last, I have my voice!
I have managed to look after my children, pay off the mortgage and keep a job for all my life. At last, I can now read a book, a menu and go on a bus! It is nice when the post arrives, and I can pick it up and read without the sense of dread. I’ve accepted that there will be good days and bad days, but that is okay as I have strategies in place to cope. More importantly, I can buy my children birthday cards.
Learning to read has made me independent. It has given me courage and I hope my story gives you the strength to ask for help!